Motherly Love

It’s nearly 6 a.m. and I’m slowly waking up to the tiny coo’s coming from the little person I brought into my bed when she woke up in the middle of the night. I open one eye and try to shove a binky in her mouth, hoping that she will immediately go right back to sleep. “Come on”, I think “just give me another hour.” Sometimes it works and sometimes I have to accept whatever amount of sleep I got and hope to catch a nap later in the day (but I don’t count on it). As unhappy as I am about having to wake up before my body wants me to, I can’t help but smile when I turn my head and see the sweetest little grin- consisting only of two bottom teeth.

The day starts with a feeding and a diaper change for her and a large iced coffee for me- you know, the essentials. As she sits up on her play mat she examines her many toys with her eyes, hands, and mouth. I spend about 10 minutes playing with her before I look around and make a mental list of all the things that need to get done around the house. And then something else catches my attention and I wish I had written that list down on paper.

When I start thinking about my week I realize that I have no idea what day it even is. So I yell out to the only other person in the house who can talk back, “Alexa, what’s the date today?”. She gives me the 411 and when it’s a Friday, a little piece of me dies as I think back to the days when a Friday was always something to look forward to.

I love my daughter more than I ever thought I could love another person, but being alone with her all the time can be- I’m just gonna say it… boring as hell. Saying this makes me feel bad. I look at how big she’s gotten and I can’t believe that what the millions of strangers have told me is actually true. “It goes by so fast!” Ugh I hate when the strangers are right.

It does go by so fast. Suddenly she won’t let me hold her a certain way, so I adjust to her needs without realizing that I’ll never hold her the same way again. I mean, I could but she’s bigger now and it’s not the same. Some days may be boring, but they are also filled with moments of pure happiness and amazement at the little person my baby is becoming. It also doesn’t hurt to have cool neighbors and friends that keep me sane.

At the end of the day, when we’re both in our beds, I go to sleep knowing that I will be woken up in a few hours. I know that I will have to get up, go into her room, and lift her out of her crib to bring her into my bed because I’m too dang tired to do it again. I go to bed knowing all of this and being totally okay with it because I also go to bed knowing that I’ll wake up to the sweetest little two-toothed grin.

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Finding Happiness in the Present

I was looking through old pictures yesterday and (strangely enough) almost getting jealous of my past self. Whether it was how my body has changed, the way my hair looked at a certain time or the fun things that I was doing back when those pictures were taken. I was starting to wish that I could travel back in time to enjoy those moments a little more since I know now that they went by too fast.

As humans we tend to dwell on the past. It’s reasonable really, since our time here is limited, we long for the days of our youth while simultaneously growing older.

I thought about how silly, yes also justified it was that I was feeling this way. I’ve heard many older women speak of the way their bodies used to be, how they thought they hated their bodies back when they were young but that it was nothing compared to how they felt now. I felt strange being able to relate to this. It’s not like I’ve gained a ton of weight or anything but I can definitely see that my body is starting to change in relation to my age.

But now I’m getting sidetracked…

I began this blog entry to talk about why we cling to the past, and also why we need to learn to be happy with what we have in the present because we never know how our lives will change.

I think back to the years when these pictures were taken and remember how I felt about myself. Back then, I thought that I was fat and that my body was imperfect. Seeing those pictures a few years later I’m thinking, DANG I LOOKED GOOD.

I think back to the fun I was having when these pictures were taken and remember how oblivious I was to how easy I had it. Not a worry in the world, but still I felt like I had so much to worry about. I remember those times and wish I would have enjoyed them a little more while they lasted. Being a teenager with little to no responsibility especially financially, was such an enjoyable time in life. That is not to say that I don’t enjoy my life now, I love my life…but now I have the added adult stress of figuring out what I want to do with my life and how I can make a positive impact in the world.

We spend so many moments of our lives, wishing and working towards where we want to be that we forget sometimes to just enjoy the moment and be grateful for all that we DO have.

Today is Friday, the perfect day to take a step back from working too hard or stressing out about the future and remembering how hard you worked just to get where you are right now.

The days pass and we don’t realize that our lives are changing until we look back to how things were a year or two ago and realize how different things really are.

Don’t forget about what is important to you, whether it’s maintaing close relationships with old friends or spending some time alone, make sure that you’re still doing the things that matter most to you.

Don’t stop working towards your goals, but try not to lose yourself along the way. Live youthfully, at this exact moment you are younger than you will ever be again so enjoy each second of it. Focus on the present and appreciate what you are capable of before you get too old to continue doing the things you love. Live in the now, feel every emotion vividly- for this time will soon be the past.

Growing up is bittersweet

 

When I was 5 years old, I was given a fisher price doll house for Christmas. That big white house with the blue roof and pink trim was my favorite thing in the world. I would swing each side of the house open and force my miniature plastic people to act out the daily routine of real humans. I’d sit them at the kitchen table to eat their plastic food, walk them up the stairs  into their rooms and tuck them into their tiny plastic beds.

When I was a little older I would play “house” with my friends. We would act out different characters, my favorite was the “teenage sister”. I would call people on my invisible cell phone and pay for invisible makeup with my invisible credit card then drive off in my invisible hot pink convertible VW bug.

I clearly remember thinking, I can not wait to grow up! I will be able to do anything and go anywhere I want!

Well here I am now, 23 years old and married. I love being grown up just as much as I thought I would, but what I don’t love is feeling grown up.

What I mean is that I miss the innocence of childhood. The thought that good people always win and bad people don’t get away with bad things. Growing up comes with learning about all kinds of horrible things that happen in the world and it is terrifying.

Imagination and magic just vanish as an adult. You no longer believe in the magic of Santa or the Easter Bunny. You don’t watch the first Harry Potter movie and think, “WOW that’s amazing, maybe Hogwarts is a real place!” Now you watch the first Harry Potter movie and think, “wow the computer graphics in this are horrible, let’s watch the last one.”

All of the time I spent wanting to grow up, I didn’t even realize that I was.

I still sometimes catch myself feeling rushed to grow up. Some of my friends already have kids and have started families of their own. As much as I can’t wait for the moment that Blake and I have our first child, I also can… wait, that is. Because I know that once I have kids, my childhood is officially over and I’m not quite ready for that. I need a little more time to enjoy my lack of responsibly and do the things I won’t be able to once I have children.

Ever since I was 5, playing with my fisher price doll house, I have been excited to grow up. Now I’m 23 and have come to the realization that I need to slow down. I’m no longer in a rush to grow up, I’m now determined to appreciate every moment. To sit back, take a look at my surroundings, feel what’s going on around me and be grateful for the people in my life. Each moment of our lives is precious and should be treated as such.