Motherly Love

It’s nearly 6 a.m. and I’m slowly waking up to the tiny coo’s coming from the little person I brought into my bed when she woke up in the middle of the night. I open one eye and try to shove a binky in her mouth, hoping that she will immediately go right back to sleep. “Come on”, I think “just give me another hour.” Sometimes it works and sometimes I have to accept whatever amount of sleep I got and hope to catch a nap later in the day (but I don’t count on it). As unhappy as I am about having to wake up before my body wants me to, I can’t help but smile when I turn my head and see the sweetest little grin- consisting only of two bottom teeth.

The day starts with a feeding and a diaper change for her and a large iced coffee for me- you know, the essentials. As she sits up on her play mat she examines her many toys with her eyes, hands, and mouth. I spend about 10 minutes playing with her before I look around and make a mental list of all the things that need to get done around the house. And then something else catches my attention and I wish I had written that list down on paper.

When I start thinking about my week I realize that I have no idea what day it even is. So I yell out to the only other person in the house who can talk back, “Alexa, what’s the date today?”. She gives me the 411 and when it’s a Friday, a little piece of me dies as I think back to the days when a Friday was always something to look forward to.

I love my daughter more than I ever thought I could love another person, but being alone with her all the time can be- I’m just gonna say it… boring as hell. Saying this makes me feel bad. I look at how big she’s gotten and I can’t believe that what the millions of strangers have told me is actually true. “It goes by so fast!” Ugh I hate when the strangers are right.

It does go by so fast. Suddenly she won’t let me hold her a certain way, so I adjust to her needs without realizing that I’ll never hold her the same way again. I mean, I could but she’s bigger now and it’s not the same. Some days may be boring, but they are also filled with moments of pure happiness and amazement at the little person my baby is becoming. It also doesn’t hurt to have cool neighbors and friends that keep me sane.

At the end of the day, when we’re both in our beds, I go to sleep knowing that I will be woken up in a few hours. I know that I will have to get up, go into her room, and lift her out of her crib to bring her into my bed because I’m too dang tired to do it again. I go to bed knowing all of this and being totally okay with it because I also go to bed knowing that I’ll wake up to the sweetest little two-toothed grin.

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Milestones

Watching your child grow is probably the best reminder of how fleeting life is. As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve been trying to work on some lifestyle changes. One of the things on my list is to keep a journal to track Logan’s growth. I’ve always kept a journal but lately I have been so horrible about actually writing in it.

So as I lie awake in bed, not able to sleep because of the amount of caffeine I’ve consumed today.. I choose to write. Not in my journal because that would require lights and a pen, but here in my online diary for all to see!

April was a big month for little Logie. She was baptized, tried solid foods, got two bottom teeth, and started rolling all over the place. So far in May, she has begun to say things like “mamamama” and “dadadadada”, and she sits up on her own like a champ. She’s working on her dexterity all the time and I have so much fun watching her grab things and try to shove them in her mouth.

She’s been sleeping better too! How quickly I’ve forgotten having to wake up every couple of hours for feedings. She was waking up twice for the past couple of months but now she pretty much only wakes up once, usually around 4am. Then goes right back to sleep after I feed her. AND she’s starting to sleep in her crib.

All of these little milestones are amazing to watch. I see this little baby that I brought into the world and just observe as she becomes more and more intelligent each day. It happens so fast! Blake and I hear it ALL THE TIME… “enjoy it, they grow up so fast”. We actually laugh about how many times we hear that when we go out in public because it’s a ridiculous amount. But they really are growing so fast when they’re babies.

During the first three years of life, we learn more than we ever will in any other three years of our lives. That’s why the early stages of life are so important. Babies are constantly absorbing new information and they totally vibe off of the emotions and reactions of the adults around them. I don’t even like yelling at my dog in front of Logan because I don’t want her to think I’m yelling at her. Yelling is toxic and can have lasting effects on a child.

Granted, it’s bound to happen sooner or later when your kid is misbehaving but I think it’s important to try to discipline without yelling. Ever since I’ve become a parent, I think a lot about what a huge responsibility it is. We are responsible for raising a whole generation of people and if we collectively do a great job then the world will be a better place for everyone.

Life With Logan

I wish I could say that I knew it was Tuesday when I woke up this morning, but I seriously thought it was Monday. I almost started off by saying “Happy Monday!” But thought, hmm I better check to make sure… and thank goodness I did! So I guess I have Mom brain now… also it’s hard to keep track when my days are filled with the same routine of changing diapers, breastfeeding, and trying to get things done around the house while Logan sleeps.

I’m not complaining at all, it can get repetitive and lonely at times but I’m already sad about how much she’s grown in the last 8 weeks. I mean seriously, this girl is already on the verge of growing out of 3 month clothes. And carrying her around is becoming more of an arm workout by the day. But those sweet little smiles she gives me every morning make it all worthwhile.

Since Blake left, It’s been sort of a rollercoaster ride. It took me a while to get used to doing everything on my own. I was scared to even go grocery shopping because I can’t very well push a baby in a stroller and also push a cart. So I put the baby in the car seat and the car seat in the cart.. then there’s barely enough room to put food in the cart but hey! It works. I was also worried about having a crying baby halfway through my shopping experience and not being able to calm her while also checking off my grocery list. Thankfully she takes a pacifier and that works about 90% of the time.

Life with Logan is a major learning experience. (TMI alert) A week after Blake left, she was having teeny bits of blood in her stools. It would come and go so at first I wasn’t sure if I should worry. Then, when it was happening for a couple of days straight I started to freak out. I did tons of googling and ended up calling the nurses hotline, they told me to take her in the next day to see a pediatrician. That morning I called to make and appointment and there was no availability. So it was off the the ER. Yup just me and my 5 week old baby hanging at the ER during flu season! Woo!

It was literally my worst nightmare. I was so paranoid that I wouldn’t even sit down in a seat while I was waiting. Logan was covered up in her stroller and I was wearing a face mask. I even doused my ID in sanitizer after the front desk woman checked us in.

Turns out little Logie has a dairy allergy and that’s what was causing the blood in the stools. So I had the choice to either put her on a soy based formula or stop eating all dairy. I went with the latter because it seemed like the best choice for both of us. I figured it might be a good way for me to lose some weight. It’s actually been a lot easier than I thought it would be. The hardest part is that I can’t satisfy my sweet tooth because just about all delicious desserts have dairy in them. Luckily I can still eat sushi… so at least there’s that! I’m probably eating a lot more carbs than before so I don’t really know if it’s helping with weight loss but I feel better overall and there’s no more blood in the diapers- It’s a win-win!

Having a baby is scary at times, especially when I have to make big decisions on my own. I’m in charge of this little human-being and it’s my responsibility to keep her healthy because she’s completely helpless right now. It’s also scary to watch other people holding her, not supporting her head properly, or trying to touch her face with their dirty hands while I’m holding her….I mean, most people know but there have been a couple instances… and I die inside each time.

It literally makes me feel sick if I think something is wrong with her. Any rash, weird poop, or even if she feels a little warm, my heart stops. Until I take her temperature and it’s normal, or google her symptoms to find out that it’s nothing serious.. then I can relax. I guess I’m a worrier. I do a lot better when Blake is here because he’s a lot more level headed when it comes to that stuff. He doesn’t freak out and start googling things like I do. He reassures me that it’s probably nothing and that alone makes me feel better.

Aside from my neurotic freak outs about Logan’s wellbeing, everything is good. Not easy by any means but I can literally feel how special this part of my life is. Having a baby is a huge blessing but also a major responsibility. I am determined with every fiber of my being to be the best parent I can be for this little girl. Life before Logan may have been easier but life with her has so much more meaning.

Home is wherever I’m with you

After two and a half weeks of quality family time, too much food and way too many drinks, we are finally back home.

It feels weird to call this place home because I think of my hometown as my real home. After the past couple of weeks however, I realize that this is my home now.

Blake and I both crawled into bed after our long day of multiple car and airplane rides, looked at each other and said that it felt good to be home. We agreed that we’re still not fond of the city we live in or the distance from family and friends but we have come to love the home that we’ve created for ourselves.

Since our time here is only temporary, I never thought I would consider this place to be my home. Growing up means leaving the house that you’ve been used to for your whole life and creating a new one for yourself and I have to admit that it’s a really weird but good feeling.

With your own home, you have the opportunity to completely invent your space and everything about it becomes a piece of you. So although we weren’t very happy about coming back, it does make me feel good to be back in our own space.

These next few months will go by fast and this will never be our home again after that. This place has already taught us so much and I’m exited to see what else we will learn from the remainder of our time here.

2016 will be a great year!

 

Growing up is bittersweet

 

When I was 5 years old, I was given a fisher price doll house for Christmas. That big white house with the blue roof and pink trim was my favorite thing in the world. I would swing each side of the house open and force my miniature plastic people to act out the daily routine of real humans. I’d sit them at the kitchen table to eat their plastic food, walk them up the stairs  into their rooms and tuck them into their tiny plastic beds.

When I was a little older I would play “house” with my friends. We would act out different characters, my favorite was the “teenage sister”. I would call people on my invisible cell phone and pay for invisible makeup with my invisible credit card then drive off in my invisible hot pink convertible VW bug.

I clearly remember thinking, I can not wait to grow up! I will be able to do anything and go anywhere I want!

Well here I am now, 23 years old and married. I love being grown up just as much as I thought I would, but what I don’t love is feeling grown up.

What I mean is that I miss the innocence of childhood. The thought that good people always win and bad people don’t get away with bad things. Growing up comes with learning about all kinds of horrible things that happen in the world and it is terrifying.

Imagination and magic just vanish as an adult. You no longer believe in the magic of Santa or the Easter Bunny. You don’t watch the first Harry Potter movie and think, “WOW that’s amazing, maybe Hogwarts is a real place!” Now you watch the first Harry Potter movie and think, “wow the computer graphics in this are horrible, let’s watch the last one.”

All of the time I spent wanting to grow up, I didn’t even realize that I was.

I still sometimes catch myself feeling rushed to grow up. Some of my friends already have kids and have started families of their own. As much as I can’t wait for the moment that Blake and I have our first child, I also can… wait, that is. Because I know that once I have kids, my childhood is officially over and I’m not quite ready for that. I need a little more time to enjoy my lack of responsibly and do the things I won’t be able to once I have children.

Ever since I was 5, playing with my fisher price doll house, I have been excited to grow up. Now I’m 23 and have come to the realization that I need to slow down. I’m no longer in a rush to grow up, I’m now determined to appreciate every moment. To sit back, take a look at my surroundings, feel what’s going on around me and be grateful for the people in my life. Each moment of our lives is precious and should be treated as such.